Kim Possible Porn Story: Confessions of a Teenage Heroine Chapter 11

Kim Possible Porn Story: Confessions of a Teenage Heroine Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I only
own my villainesses and Shego’s parents.

I screamed bloody murder, causing
Golden Arrow to jump back.

“Geez, warn me before you give a
horrified scream at your reflection!” She exclaimed and then
calmed down, “You slept in this morning,” she commented. I
turned to her.

“I’m Tigress,” I said
quietly. She patted me on the head.

“Good job,” she said like she
was talking to a small child. She rolled her eyes, “Hurry up. I
don’t want to be late. Again.”

“No, Golden Arrow, I’m Tigress.
I’m my worst enemy!”

“Congrats on your discovery.”

“You don’t get it! I was Shego
until Friday, then I was War Hawk, and now I’m Tigress,” Golden
Arrow’s eyes narrowed.

“How did Shego bribe you into this
charade?” A growl slipped out, an actual tiger growl, vibrating
my throat. I cut it off and touched my windpipe.

“That felt weird,” I
commented. I dared to look at the reflection again. Not only was her
red hair thick, long, and unruly, but her fur was going every which
way. I looked at Golden Arrow, “Little help, please?”

Two hours in Tigress’s paws and I
could already start to understand why she was so cranky. You would
have to get up at 4 to get ready in time with all that hair and fur.
She had to have someone write the color (if it wasn’t already on the
label) on the label so she could match her rather skimpy clothes so
she could actually match. And how incredibly warm her fur made her.
And how, every once in awhile, something would move in my peripheal
vision and I would spin around to try to figure out what it was.

I managed to find something relatively
conservative in her closet and then headed down the luxurious red
velvet staircase to breakfast. I wish they had a self-destruct button
on one of their machines, because I’d love to blow this ritzy place
up. Who were they trying to impress? They never had anyone over.

Golden Arrow pulled down two bowls and
a box of Raisin Bran.

“For Her Majesty’s digestive
system, or does this not please Her Majesty?” I glared at her.
She poured the cereal and then the milk into the bowls. She mockingly
bowed as she passed one of the bowls to me.

“Oh, wow, thanks,” I said in
surprise. Something flicked in the corner of my eye again. I spun
around, but no one was there.

“Honestly, you can stop now. No
one switched bodies,” Golden Arrow said firmly. I sighed.

“Hey, whatever, believe what you
want. I’ll just tell Metaphor that she got me into Tigress’s body
now. Who is trying to sneak up on me?!” I roared, seeing
something move again out of the corner of my eye.

“You’re lucky Miss Mistress isn’t
here,” Golden Arrow hissed. I pursed my lips.

“You never call Miss Mistress your
mother.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Why not?”

“Because she’s not my mom.”

“Biologically no. Tigress calls
her “Mom” all the time, and though I’m not sure who the
father is or if she dabbled in genetic mutation, I don’t think she’s
her daughter,” Golden Arrow pointed her spoon at me.

“Stop referring to yourself in the
third person, like you’re a narrator or something. It’s creeping me
out,” she played with her milk, “We’ve got vastly different
stories, remember?”

“Yeah, but come on. Isn’t she
somewhat like a mother to-” I twisted around and pounced on my
stalker, “Ah ha! Gotcha!”

My excitement dissolved when I saw
what exactly I had between my hands. Tigress’s tail whipped around
like it was trying to escape. You would think I would have known it
was attached to her body. Then again, if you watch animals, they
really have no clue its attached, either. Golden Arrow glanced at me,
sighed, and went back to eating.

“I’m becoming more and more “for”
drug screenings at school,” she muttered.

Gosh, Tigress had an awesome car.
She’s always had good taste… well, as far as automobiles went. It
was smooth, fast, had an Old West load of horsepower, and was easy on
the eyes inside and out. I didn’t even have to drive like crazy to
make it to school, and even got there a few minutes early. I glanced
around the parking lot, all ready to settle my vendetta.

Then, I saw my body. Walking alongside
a terrified-looking Hego, her covered in multiple layers of clothes
but still shivering. I revved the engine playfully. Golden Arrow,
riding shotgun, glanced out of her window.

I jumped out of my fur when Tigress
appeared, growling at me.

“I hate you!” She screeched.
I threw my hands up in the air.

“Hey, it isn’t my
fault we switched bodies,” she shuddered violently.

“How do you live
like this?! I’m freezing to death and can barely smell anything, not
to mention how repulsively ugly you are!”

“It’s not a slice of cake being in
your body, either. Your tail has a frickin’ mind of its own, and it
took Golden Arrow and I an hour and a half just to brush all your
hair.”

“Can we just go park?” Golden
Arrow muttered. I sighed and pulled away.

Golden Arrow was in a state of shock
as I continued to walk with her towards our group. War Hawk and
Artica were the only ones at our usual meeting place, staring at us
like I was arm-in-arm with the Grim Reaper and Adolf Hitler. Tigress
never hung
out with us unless she wanted something.

“Hey, War Hawk, Artica,” I
greeted them, waving timidly.

“Um, hey, Tigress,” War Hawk
said slowly. Artica didn’t even respond.

“Oh, come on. You’re acting like
we’re strangers,” I said lightly.

“We practically are,” Artica
said.

“It’s the whole
“because-you-hang-out-with-Shego-and-therefore-are-losers”
thing,” Golden Arrow reminded me. She turned to them, “Somehow,
Shego got Tigress into this whole mind switch thing,” she
explained. War Hawk’s eyes widened.

“So, who is who now?” My head
whipped around as I heard three things at once; the student
population screaming, Hego’s heavy footsteps running towards us, and
a hissing sound of a snake.

Before my mind even registered what
had happened, I had the snake in between my hands. The cobra
hissed… and then smiled at me.

“This is so awesome!”
Metaphor’s voice came out of the snake. My eyes widened.

She would never blow her cover like
this.

I ran out of the school, out to the
band of trees that was pretty much the commonly agreed-upon private
meeting place. I dropped Metaphor to the ground.

“Who are you?!” I hissed. The
snake looked up innocently at me.

“Metaphor.”

“No, you aren’t. Metaphor would
have never
pulled a stunt like that,” The rattlesnake sighed.

“You caught me. I didn’t mean to,
but I guess I switched places with Metaphor. It’s Mego,” I
rolled my eyes.

“Go figure,” I crouched down,
“Seriously, though, you need to switch into Even Dawn. If you
blow Metaphor’s cover, she’ll kill you. Once you switched back,”
Mego sighed and then morphed into Metaphor’s alias.

“This sucks. The one time I get
cool powers, I have to keep them a secret.”

“Shrinking can come in handy. Now,
let’s get back before we’re late,” he/she nodded and we started
back.

“You’re Shego, right?”

“How’d you guess?” Mego
shrugged.

“Even in your worst moods, you
never try to tear our throats out. Hego got the worst of it, being
heroic and all. It was full-out war. She wanted blood,” Mego
cringed. I patted him on the back.

“Sorry ’bout your bad luck,”
I murmured sympathetically. He took a deep breath.

“Never thought I’d say this, but I
miss you.”

“Awww!” I gave him a loving
noogie and he instantly regretted his words.

We walked back into school. As high
school typically goes, everything was back to normal by the time we
were there, some talking about the talking rattlesnake, some calling
Tigress a freak. Hego, Tigress, War Hawk, Artica, and Golden Arrow
were standing in a little group, the only horrified/surprised looking
students in the entire population.

“Metaphor screwed herself this
time. Her and Mego apparently switched places, too,” I
explained. Golden Arrow groaned.

“How long is this stupid thing
going to go on?!” She complained.

“Not short enough…” Tigress
seethed. Hego shook his head.

“I don’t get what exactly is going
on,” he admitted.

“Basically we need to get the
pyramid back and try a different combo,” I said.

“You mean the pyramid Mego “found”
in Cairo and is using for his project?” Hego asked.

“My 300 point project?” Mego
added.

“Yeah.”

“It’s going to be on display in
the library for a month!”

“A month?!” As if this
revelation wasn’t bad enough, the bell rang. My eyes widened, as did
Mego’s.

“I don’t even know what classes I
have!” We exclaimed at the same time. Tigress laughed.

“Forget class. I’m taking the day
off,” she glided down the hallway.

Dr. Lipsky was standing nearby,
looking down at some paperwork in his hands. As she passed, she
slapped him firmly on the hindquarters. He jumped and then glanced at
a smirking Tigress-in-Shego’s-body. He stared a moment in total
horror and then back to his paperwork. Meanwhile, I’m on the
sidelines wanting to die for watching me do that to my teacher.

“I’ve got first period with you,”
Artica said to Mego, and then walked off. Mego followed a safe
distance behind.

“You have French II first period
with Mischief, that much I know,” Golden Arrow offered to me. I
gave her a thumbs up, and then stalked off to find Mischief.

As I rounded the corner towards the
foreign language department, I was caught completely by surprise, a
knife right between my shoulder blades. My first reaction at seeing
Mischief was relief. I didn’t have to worry about trying to find
Tigress’s class. The second was confusion; what was Jesus doing next
to French class? Why were they holding hands and standing so close?

And then, as he leaned down to kiss
her, shock. Mouth-dropping shock. Because she kissed him back. After
what she said about how he was my guy. Jesus left for his class and
Mischief caught my eye. Horror flashed onto her face and she ran over
to me.

“Tigress, hey, buddy-buddy,
bestest best friend,” she punched me playfully in the arm,
talking like Robin Williams, “Have I mentioned lately how much I
love you?” I pushed her away and then backed up.

“I can’t…believe…” She
grabbed my hands.

“Tigie, please. I swear I’m gonna
tell Shego, just as soon as this whole switching bodies thing is
over. Please, please, PLEASE DO NOT TELL SHEGO ABOUT ME AND JESUS!!
Look, I’m down on my knees,” she pointed at her kneeling
position, blubbering like Eddie Murphy. I walked away from her and
into the classroom she had been standing next to.

Like an idiot, Mischief came crawling
in on her hands and knees.

“Pleez don’t tell hwer,” she
said like Elmer Fudd.

“I won’t. Where do I sit?”
Mischief jumped up.

“Yay!” She cheered like Elle
Woods. She skipped to the other side of the room and sat down,
patting the seat next to her, “You sit with me, kitty,” she
said like Angelina Jolie, which gave me a nauseated feeling. Or maybe
that was the after affect of watching your best friend kiss the guy
you like.

“Why? Why did you take him when
you knew, you knew
I wanted him?” I snarled. I touched my vocal chords again. This
growling stuff felt like I had swallowed a vibrating phone.

“Hold on, honey. First of all, you
only wanted him because Shego had him,” she said like Queen
Latifah. She sighed, settling into her “normal” school
voice as more students poured in, “Second… it just kind of
happened. I mean, how many kids can talk to him in his own language?
We started talking and things led to bigger things and… Are you
sure you aren’t going to tell Shego? ‘Cause I don’t want your half
lies in this. Though I am not
looking forward to telling Shego,” I pulled out Tigress’s French
textbook.

I barely understood a word as I
flipped through the pages, and I was guessing even at that.

“Bonjour, mes
lves,” A little over middle aged woman with gray hair and
granny glasses clicked her way to the front of the classroom.

“Bonjour,
Madame Abry,” The class chorused. Madame Abry turned to me.

“Mademoiselle
Felina, allez-vous dormir aujourd’hui par la leon ou allez-vous
nous grce votre participation?” I stared blankly at her a
minute, “Mademoiselle Felina, sont toutes les lumires sur
l’tage?” She asked another question. I glanced frantically at
Mischief. She was staring at me like I had grown a tail… heh, heh,
I snuck in a cat pun. She leaned over.

“She wants to
know if you’re going to participate or sleep,” she muttered. Oh.
I turned back to her.

“Oui, Madame
Abry.” She clenched her hands over her ears.

“Mademoiselle
Felina! Qu’est-ce qu’un accent horrible! N’tes-vous pas?”

“Excusez-son,
Madame Abry. Elle est d’avoir un restituer,” Mischief said
quickly. Madame Abry nodded, and then started talking to the class.

A note was slipped
next to my textbook. I unfolded it and saw Mischief’s angular, sloppy
handwriting.

“What’s up
with you today? French is your best subject,” A little bit of
girl spite came out as I wrote back.

“I suppose boy
stealing’s yours.”

Mischief looked at
the note and furrowed her eyebrows. Her face opened up in a
shocked/horrified expression. She spun in her chair.

“Shego?!”
She exclaimed quietly. I gave one nod and then ignored her, “Oh,
sugar, darling, honey bunches of oats, I swear on a kitten’s life I
was gonna tell you once this brain switching situation was cleared
up.”

“Mademoiselle
Catt,” Madame Abry said sternly. Mischief faced forward. We
didn’t speak or pass notes the rest of the period.

The bell rang and
Mischief was about to launch into a bigger apology. I held up my
hand.

“I understand,
but that doesn’t mean I’m not sore,” I said. She squealed and
threw her arms around me, “Get off of me! I’m still Tigress!”
I reminded her. I leaned closer, “Any clue what my next class
is?” She grabbed my hand.

“Follow me!”
She trilled.

I sighed as we
walked down the hallway.

“I hate guys,”
I muttered, “Save his country from an evil dictator and how does
he show his appreciation? By dating my best friend.”

“The least he
could do was go to one stinkin’ dance with you,” Mischief
agreed. It was nearly impossible to be angry with someone as honest
as Mischief.

&

The longer the day
wore on, the more I understood Tigress. Her “friends” were
just a cult of female dogs who were totally ticked that I was hanging
with the villainesses (who were nudging me into Tigress behavior,
unlike Tigress’s “friends”). The boys were a bit… well,
they were teenage boys that Tigress was apparently very, very
familiar with. And, during history and science, Tigress sat by
Cutting Cheese Charlie. Combine that with a sensitive nose and you’re
gasping at any chance for fresh air. The thing that drove me insane,
though, was that I caught every flicker of movement. And it called my
attention as if someone had called my name. So I was glancing around
constantly like a paranoid freak.

Finally, finally
school ended. Hego and Mego caught up with me. Metaphor/Mego was
waiting for us.

“Did you get
it?” Mego asked. Metaphor shook her head.

“Didn’t have
the time. Teacher sent it down to the library faster than I could
blink,” she looked at me, “Shego switch with Tigress?”

“How’d you
guess?” I asked jokingly, motioning at Hego and Mego.

“How did you
get to the high school so fast?” Hego asked. Metaphor jerked her
thumb back.

Speak of the
Devil, she was leaning against her car, grinning. She stood up and
walked over, suspecting she had been added to the conversation.

“How’s about
we go get that pyramid now? I’ve had enough fun with Shego,” she
snickered. I groaned.

“I don’t even
want to know what you’ve done.”

“Oh, I didn’t
have time for much with that first activity. And you’ll know whether
you want to or not. So, if we can ditch Superman and all go over
there…”

“First of all,
we have play practice. It’s getting too close to cut. Second, that’s
Mego’s big project, 300 points! And that pyramid-“

“First of all,
Hego, shut your trap. Second, I don’t care what the-” Naughty
word, “he gets, I’m ready to get back into my own-” Naughty
word, “body.” She trembled for emphasis. Hego frowned at
her potty mouth and then looked to me for support.

“What are you
looking at me for? I don’t exactly like having a tail I have to
restrain because it’s got a mind of its own.”

“Are you
saying you want me to repeat the 6th grade?” Mego asked. I
looked at him.

“That’s what
extra credit’s for.”

“Do you really
want me loose in your sister’s body?” Tigress purred at Hego.

“Super
strength will take care of that,” Hego said confidently.

Tigress met my
eyes. In an unspoken truce, we agreed that we were getting that
pyramid tonight.

&

“Goldie?”
I asked in Tigress’s sweetest voice. She turned away from her
computer desk and looked at me warily, “How good are you at
welding?”

“What did you
destroy?”

“Nothing. Just
need a replacement of an ancient Egyptian artifact.”

“I’ll need a
picture.”

“How about the
real thing?” Golden Arrow tilted her head, showing her interest,
“I need a replica of Mego’s project,” she sighed. As soon
as the interest had come, it was lost.

“What kind of
mystic property is it believed to have? Mystical…monkey powers or
something?”

“Mind-switching,
but I was afraid you’d think I’m crazy. Again,” she stood up.

“Beats
studying,” she decided.

To sum this body
switch up, we popped into the middle school’s library and she
examined it. She welded a pretty freakin’ close replica and we
replaced it. Metaphor and Mego took advantage of their temporary
powers; Metaphor used it for stealing and Mego pulled pranks and hung
out at the zoo. Such a typical boy… Tigress had to be locked up in
one of our dog kennels because of her uncooperative attitude with the
rest of my family. I laid down on her mattress and covered myself
with blankets, hoping Metaphor would get the combination right this
time. I was sliding down the evolutionary chain with every switch.

&

My eyes opened the
next morning to the sound of a distant alarm. I opened my eyes… I
was in a dog kennel. Yes! I was me again! I reached out to unlock
it… and saw a white paw.

“Cra-ap!”
I yelled, and then realized I could yell.

Sarge, our German
Shepard, opened one eye and looked at me. He got up, turned around in
his kennel, and settled back down. I heard a yawn beside me.

“Well, that’s
Mommy’s alarm. Time to get up,” I heard movement in the kennel
next to mine, “Arf! Arf! WHAT?! I…I…I can’t bark… THEY
DEBARKED ME!! I knew they were threatening to, but I didn’t think…
What the heck is
wrong with my voice?”

“Go-go?”
I asked, poking as much of my face as I could out. I saw a scared
looking me in the other kennel.

“Oh my gosh,
I’m having an out of body experience!” She cried.

“Kind of, I
guess. We switched bodies, baby,” she took this in for a minute.

“I can’t smell
anything.”

“Well, I can
smell everything, and second thing I’m doing once I’m me again is
bathing Starling.” Hearing her name, our Golden Retriever turned
to me. Well, she did.

The door opened.

“Shego? You in
your body yet?” Hego asked.

“No,” I
murmured. Hego looked at me.

“Go-go?”

“Mommy and I
switched places,” she whimpered. Hego sighed.

“Oh gaw. Now
you switched places with the dog?”

“The
intelligent
dog,” Go-go corrected. Hego rolled his eyes.

“…probably
can’t even spell “intelligent”,” he said under his
breath.

“I can’t even
hear him! What kind of advanced species are humans?!” That was a
very good question sometimes.

Hego sighed and
let us both out of our kennels. Go-go shook herself on habit. She
wobbly got onto her legs and managed to stand bow-legged. Hego
grabbed her forearm to keep her from falling. He glanced down at me.

“We could pull
off Tigress…how we going to pull off Go-go being in your body? Even
Tigress knows how to act human!”

“Hey! I can
act human! I can talk, can’t I?” She hobbled forward. I
awkwardly followed, trying to coordinate my doubled legs.

The majority of
the morning was spent trying to teach Go-go how to be human. She
didn’t understand the concept of bathing. She didn’t understand the
concept of clothing. She didn’t understand the concept of the
majority of human concepts. I didn’t understand the scream Mego let
out while I was struggling with not getting my tail wet while I used
the toilet (most amazing trick we ever taught her…wish we could
teach our other dogs that). Never gave her enough credit, I realized.

Eventually, Go-go
was as human-like as we could make her without being suspicious.

“Did Mego go
down already?” I asked as we got into the elevator.

“Think so,”
Hego replied.

“He got really
scared,” Go-go replied.

We walked down the
hallway and towards the kitchen. There was a muffled moan and Mom
cooing gently. Uh oh. Mom didn’t coo unless one of us was bleeding.
Severely. I trotted ahead of Hego and Go-go. Her arms were wrapped
around Mego as she rocked him gently back and forth. Uh oh. She was
being motherly. Someone was dying. Hego crept towards the kitchen,
trying to fly under the radar.

“Good morning,
mother, brother!” Go-go cheered. Mom looked up. She looked ready
to kill.

“Shego…Gueneviere,”
Icicles hung from her tone. Go-go froze, “What makes you think
you can strut around naked? You have brothers!” She pet Mego’s
head, “His first naked woman was his sister! He’s scarred for
life! The school counselor already thinks I’m a horrible mother; what
is she going to think when my own son
is in her office?” She sighed, “Get breakfast. We’ll talk
about this later, when you’re not
running late for school.”

“School?!”
I exclaimed. Everyone looked at me. My ears went flat. Right, I was
Go-go. I didn’t care about school. All I cared about was my crush on
Scooby Doo and my mommy.

I followed Hego
and Go-go around as they got breakfast. I only counted two bowls.

“Where’s
mine?” I asked as they went to the breakfast table. Go-go and
Hego smirked.

“Over there,”
Hego pointed at the dog dishes. I glared at him.

“Come on. Be
serious.”

“No treats for
Go-go,” Go-go mocked in the same tone I would have used towards
her. My ears went back and that little growling habit kicked in.

“Out, Go-go!”
Mom said sternly. I sulked away, tail between my legs. This was
degrading.

There was no way I
was going to eat dog food, I thought as I looked at the bowl. I
glanced back at the table. Go-go had her face in her Captain Crunch.
Strangely, no one was protesting, or looking sympathetically at me.
My stomach growled menacingly. I glanced at the bowl. How hungry
would I have to be to eat that? Well, there was no fowl in trying.

Ick. It was bland.
I drank some room temperature water. No wonder they begged. I managed
to stomach half of the bowl before dejectedly going to lay on the
couch.

“What’s wrong
with Go-go?” Mom asked.

“You’re
concerned about Go-go?” Mego asked in disbelief, watching Go-go
lick the bowl.

“We all knew
your sister was messed up. The dog has more sanity than her most
days,” Mom murmured. Wow, canine hearing was incredible.

My day was mostly
making sure the twins got off to school, watching t.v., attempting
the computer (very hard without fingers), and scavenging human food.
Uneventful nearly to the point of insanity. My human counterpart was
having a more…interesting time.

Hego, my friends,
and Go-go herself have told me time and time again the adventures
Go-go had as a human. Mom had driven Hego, Go-go, and Mego to school,
where Go-go had tried to stick her head out the window. Hego put a
stop to that. When she got to school, she sniffed each of my friends
to make sure they were who she thought they were (the colors were
very disorienting to her).

Tigress showed up
to taunt me for whatever she had done to me. Go-go’s deeply rooted
hatred for cats kicked in. According to Hego, it was quite a sight to
see Tigress run for her life. I wasn’t surprised; the question was
who wouldn’t run away from an otherwise normal teenager on all fours
charging towards them barking “CAT! CAT! CAT!”. Go-go
cornered Tigress in a girl’s bathroom stall and scratched at the
locked door continuing to bark until the girls dragged her out of the
bathroom. Golden Arrow had to spend the majority of first period
coaxing Tigress off her perch on the toilet, and even then she was
growling and her fur was on end. What I wouldn’t have done to see
that!

Go-go also sniffed
Dr. Lipsky for an extended period of time, and decided she didn’t
like him. I’d like to see the expression on his face when “I”
growled at him the entire period. Those were the main stories; there
were plenty of other minor things, like not sharing the ball in P.E.
and, of course, not using silverware. Between my channel surfing and
Go-go scratching her ear with her foot, the villainesses were
plotting.

The phone rang. I
almost didn’t answer, until I saw it was from the school. I bit down
on the “ok” button.

“Hello?”

“Shego, it’s
Hego,” Yeah, like I didn’t recognize his voice. I rolled my
eyes.

“What’s up?”

“Mego’s
staying after school and Go-go and I are going to play practice.”

“Okay, so I’ll
be home alone for another couple hours. So?” There was a pause.

“I think the
villainesses are up to something. They’re doing that close-together
whispering stuff, and the sly smirks and the light in their
eyes…I’m reeeeeally nervous.”

“They’re
probably just psyching you out. They love to do that, you know.”

“Just…be
careful.”

“Can do,
Captain Paranoia,” I hung up on him. Worrywart. We all loved
messing with him, making him think we were up to no good when really
we weren’t. It was fun.

The twins arrived
home early. They jumped onto the couch.

“Hey, Go-go!”
They chorused. My tail thudded in recognition (dogs have way more
control over their tails than cats do, I found out).

“Hey, guys,
what’s up?” They looked at each other.

“Um, do you
know where Shego put your certificate of ownership?” Wego 1
asked timidly.

“Top drawer of
her desk. Why?”

“No reason.”
They said in unison, running away.

“What are you
going to do with your five dollars?” I overheard Wego 1 ask Wego
2.

“I don’t know,
maybe get a stock. What are you going to do with your five dollars?”

“I’m going to
get five dollars worth of bubblegum, and then get a taco, and then
put all the gum in the taco, and then eat the taco.”

“Hey! That
free taco coupon’s for the both of us!”

“Mischief
didn’t say nothing about the coupon!”

Mischief? My head
jerked up. Now I was getting suspicious. Coming home early, money,
coupon, Mischief, asking for Go-go’s certificate of ownership…
Maybe Hego was on to something. The twins came back down.

“Come on,
Go-go, let’s go for a walk!” They cheered, one after the other.
There was a leash in Wego 2’s hand and, in Wego 1’s hand, Go-go’s
certificate of ownership. I narrowed my eyes.

“What’s going
on?”

“Nothing,”
they insisted. Wego 2 looked nervously at his brother. Wego 1 gave
him a warning glance. A very obvious don’t-blow-this glance. I backed
up on the couch.

“I wasn’t just
born yesterday. You guys talking about Mischief in a positive light
is like Hego declaring he’s going to go supervillain.” There was
a click as the leash was attached to my collar. They quickly
multiplied and overpowered me.

I was dragged to
the front door, where an eager Mischief was awaiting me. She had two
five dollar bills, a piece of paper, and a Bueno Nacho free item
coupon. She held out her hand.

“Oh no. You’re
the villain, not us. You hand over your stuff first,” Wego 1
said. Mischief shrugged, and then handed over her loot. They then
handed over Go-go’s certificate of ownership… and the leash.

“WHAT?!”
I exclaimed.

“You’re going
to a better home. She’ll take good care of you,” Wego 2 assured
me. I looked at him in astonishment.

“You’re giving
me away?! To Mischief?!”

“Pleasure
doin’ business with y’all,” she said in a Texas drawl, tugging
on my leash. I sat down, but even then I was scooting across the
ground.

“No, no, no!
This is my home! Shego is my owner!”

“Let’s face
it, Go-go. You’re annoying. Shego’s the only one who cares about you
in this house,” Wego 1 said emotionlessly. I clawed away from
Mischief.

“Don’t worry.
Mischief agreed on visitation rights for Shego,” Wego 2 added.
Mischief picked me up.

“I’m gonna
love you and cuddle you and squeeze you and call you my own,”
she cooed in the voice of that one annoying cartoon character…their
name escapes me at the moment.

She carried me to
where her van was waiting. The back doors were open to reveal a
kennel. I squirmed as much as I could, but Mischief was center bottom
in the cheerleading pyramid. My struggles were futile. The twins, now
back to just two, watched without remorse as she took me away.

“YOU JUST SOLD
YOUR SISTER FOR TEN BUCKS AND A BUENO NACHO COUPON TO ONE OF YOUR
ARCH ENEMIES!!” I screamed.

“Hey, don’t
forget the slurpees she got us on the ride home,” Wego 1 said.

Even if I rounded
up, I was only worth twenty bucks to them. And I was even purebred.

Mischief squeezed
me into the kennel and locked it. The van doors shut with finality.
The driver’s door opened and shut.

“Personally, I
think you’re worth way more than ten dollars and an expired Bueno
Nacho coupon,” she said, sounding like Adam Sandler. I
whimpered.

“Why,
Mischief? Why are you dognapping me?”

“It’s not
dognapping. I bought you,” she said matter-of-factly like Reba
McEntire.

“Bought me?
You tricked my youngest siblings with bribery! As if stealing my
crush wasn’t enough…”

“I thought we
were through with that guilt trip,” The Cowardly Lion said.

“Until this
came up, we were.”

We were silent the
rest of the drive to her lair; a large, abandoned warehouse on the
outskirts of Go City. She carried me in my new kennel into the lair.
She turned off into the private rooms and kicked open a door.

“Tada! Your
new home!” She exclaimed like Paige off of “Trading
Spaces”. My jaw dropped.

It was frilly. It
was puffy. It was probably pink and lavender. It reeked of perfume of
the cotton candy/fruity variety. Not a typical doghouse.

“Do you like
it, Celine Dion?” She asked like Shirley Temple. I turned around
and stared at her.

“Celine
Dion?!”

“It’s
shorthand for your new name, Celine Princess Coco Diana Chanel Dion.
I couldn’t decide,” she said like the lead fashion lady from
“The Devil Wears Prada”. My stare hardened into a glare.

“You seem to
have forgotten that I’M STILL YOUR BEST FRIEND IN A FURRY BODY!!”
She crouched down and pinched my cheeks.

“I know! And
now you’re mine!” She said like Cruella DeVil, and then laughed
like her. She stood back up and walked towards the door, “We’re
going over to Artica’s for dinner. I’ll be back in an hour to get you
dressed up and ready to go. Hasta la pasta,” she said, acting
like the grandmother from “Two and a Half Men”.

“You’re
insane!” I screamed, attempting to follow. She closed the door
in my face, laughing like a maniac. I scratched at the door,
whimpering. I bit the doorknob and attempted to turn it. All I got
was a pain in the neck. She had locked it.

Mischief couldn’t
keep track of her school papers. She couldn’t come up with the fine
details of a plan. Her bed had fossils of lunch underneath it from
who knew how long ago. This wasn’t my concern. Mischief had been
known to keep hamsters alive for over a decade. My concern was the
overbearing, aggressive affection she poured onto the poor animals
that fell into her keep.

&

I will not
describe the horrid scenes that followed. Of the cooing and cuddling
that was inflicted on me. Of the care and love I was experiencing in
a nauseating extreme. Of the fear that I was loosing her to her
maternal instincts.

There I sat in the
front seat of the van, wearing a bedazzled jean jacket, a rhinestone
collar, a shirt that said “I heart Mom”, a mini skirt, and
hot pink nail polish on my claws. Thank goodness the dog tennis shoes
covered that,
I thought sarcastically. Mischief was oblivious to her extreme
torture and my scarred mind; she was humming along with the radio
looking very happy. I guess she would be a bit lonely; she had run
off a couple years ago and had been on her own ever since. It was
probably very nice to have a companion. But I wanted to be human
again, and the only way she was getting Go-go was over my dead body.

She drove up into
the parking lot of an abandoned ice skating rink. She scratched me
behind the ear and then got out. A whine leaked out as I thought
about how happy Mischief was. She opened the door for me, a big smile
as always on her face. I jumped out and followed her in.

We went down into
the girl’s locker room. I was surprised to see War Hawk and Metaphor
already in there along with Artica. Metaphor and Artica laughed,
while War Hawk “awww”ed.

“Mischief,
your cruel and unusual punishments will drive your puppy to
insanity,” Metaphor remarked.

“If
she isn’t already there,” Artica added.

“Not
funny,” I growled.

“I
see the rest aren’t here yet,” Mischief noted like Magneto.

“They
should be right behind you,” Artica said.

“You
didn’t figure in Go-go,” War Hawk pointed out. Who was all
coming?

We
all fit on the bench-converted-into-a-couch and watched the t.v. set
into the locker. I was scratched, petted, and cooed the entire time
by all of them.
It was unnerving having them treat me this way; almost condescending.
Finally, it was too much.

“Enough!”
I shouted, standing up and shaking my fur out. They looked surprised
at my reaction, “I’m not your guys’s pet. I’m your best friend!”
They gave each other conspiratory glances.

Was
Hego actually right? Were they plotting something behind my back?
Before I could think further, I heard the door open.

“WHERE’D
IT GO?! WHERE’D IT GO?! WHERE’D IT GO?!” Go-go shrieked. There
was silence and then thud, thud, thud, thud, “WHERE’D IT GO?!
WHERE’D IT GO?!” Thud, thud, thud, thud.

Go-go
came racing into the living room on all fours, her head whipping
around.

“WHERE’D
IT GO?! WHERE’D IT GO?! WHERE’D IT GO?!” She exclaimed. Golden
Arrow came in behind her.

“Chill
out, Go-go,” she turned to Artica, “Where do you want her?”

“It’s
in the rink,” Artica said guardedly. Golden Arrow rolled her
eyes.

“Of
course.”

“Excuse
me for only having one room large enough to house a death ray!”
My ears perked. She got an oh-crap expression on her face.

“What
are you guys planning?”

“Nothing,”
they all chorused. Golden Arrow turned to Go-go.

“Come
on, let’s go flounder on the ice,” she hit a button on the
object in her hand. A small red dot appeared a couple feet in front
of Go-go. Her body went tense.

“I’m
gonna get it this time!” She exclaimed, chasing it. Golden Arrow
moved it forward, walking towards the rink. I looked at the
villainesses all in turn.

“Okay,
now tell me the truth,” they glanced nervously at each other,
silent for a moment.

Then,
Jennifer Aniston spoke up.

“On
a scale of one to ten, how much would you miss your human body?”
I stared at Mischief.

“Twenty!
Are you guys planning on killing Go-go?” They glanced at each
other.

They
exploded like a waterfall, their excuses ranging from no school to
more time with them to getting away from my annoying family to how
cute I was. Nothing they said mattered. They wanted to kill me.

“No!
No, no, no! You can’t do this to me! I don’t want to be a dog the
rest of my life! I want to be a human!”

“Okay,
okay,” Metaphor set her hand on my shoulder, “We’ll give it
to democracy. How many want Shego to be human?” I raised my paw.
No other hands went up.

“War
Hawk!” I exclaimed, thinking for sure at least my best friend
since diapers would help me.

“I
abstain!” She yelled, throwing her arms in the air. Her wings
unfurled from the stress.

“How
many want Shego to be an adorable husky puppy we can care for and
love?” Metaphor, Artica, and Mischief raised their hands. Well,
Metaphor and Mischief raised two.

“We’re
representing Tigress and Golden Arrow,” Mischief took one hand
down long enough to hit her chest twice and give the peace sign.

“This
is unfair! This is my body we’re talking about!” Artica laughed.

“Whoever
said we played fair?”

I
was carried to the rink where I was locked up into a dog crate.
Go-go… I don’t know what she was doing. She seemed to be in
lalaland while she was strapped to a slab of metal with a death ray
pointed at her. I never thought I’d see the day where they would
actually attempt to kill me. What kind of friends were they?! I found
that licking myself was a very soothing method to ease the betrayal.
No, you dirty dogs, I did not lick myself down south.

The
only thing that was stopping them from blowing me up was the video
camera. Tigress could not attend the madness because of her allergy
to dogs (…I’m not even messing with you), so she wanted it taped.
The camera girl War Hawk was unfamiliar with the brand, therefore
they could not figure it out. There was arguing of the camera
placement, the best place to get the most action, how hard the blast
would hit and if it would destroy the camera. I sighed as they
finally agreed War Hawk would film it by hand instead of mounting it
on the wall. I felt pretty helpless without thumbs.

I
sat down and then jumped back up as something squeaked. A rubber
chicken had been set in my kennel, apparently for me to play with. I
looked back at Go-go. Her body was rigid as she looked for the source
of the noise and then relaxed. I grinned. Maybe I just needed to
employ someone with thumbs.

I
picked up the rubber chicken and squeaked it. Go-go went rigid. I
squeezed it again. Her eyes locked on me. I did it again and her body
trembled. One more time and her hands lit up. She smashed her cuffs
and raced on all fours to me, slipping and sliding on the ice.

“Mommy,
Mommy, share!” She begged. That was when the villainesses’
attention turned from getting the tape into the camera to us. I
squeaked it again, “MOMMY!”

“Get
Mommy out and we’ll go home. Then you can have the chicken,” I
compromised. She fumbled with the lock. They were going for the
controls, “Go-go, slash it open!”

“I
don’t know how I did it!” Her frustration triggered the flames.
She crashed the kennel open and I slipped out.

Shots
were fired towards us.

“Mischief,
are you crazy?! You could hit Shego!” War Hawk exclaimed.

“I
don’t want to lose Celine Princess Coco Diana Chanel Dion!!”
She screamed like a mad woman.

I
kept squeezing the rubber chicken. Go-go was right on my heels, and
Mischief was shooting at them. It was hard to run across the smooth,
glossy ice. We mostly slid to the opening and onto solid ground.

“Come
on, baby. Come on!” I cheered from between my teeth.

“I
want the chicken!” She whined, but followed.

There
was no way we were going to beat them if they pursued us if we went
on foot. I glanced in every car. Ever trustworthy, War Hawk had left
her keys in the ignition.

“Ride
shotgun, Go-go,” I cooed. She was in the passenger’s seat and
had my door open before I knew it.

“Okay,
Mommy’s going to need some help…” I said, dropping the chicken
onto the dashboard to grip the key to start the engine.

“Then
I get chicken?” I grunted in agreement. I glanced back and saw
her backpack in the back.

“Grab
that,” she did. I dropped it onto the brake, “Now, take
that stick, push the button in, and pull it to that second letter.”

“Like
this?”

“Yes,
baby, thank you,” I moved the backpack onto the gas, “Now,
really quick, move the stick to the fourth letter.”

“Like
this?”

“Perfect.”

I’m
sure it was quite a scene to the other citizens of Go City; a pimp
mobile going twice the legal limit with a dog steering and running
the red lights, a human in the seat next to them with her head out
the window. But we made it home, whether we were being pursued or
not. Mego was taking the other dogs out and saw us pull up and me
saying to Go-go, “Okay, now pull it to the first letter once we
stop”. Not my best parking job ever.

Mego
closed his eyes.

“Just
my imagination, just my imagination, dogs don’t drive cars and
sisters don’t bark,” he said under his breath, concentrating on
the non-talking dogs.

Hego
was in the living room, expecting us. He surpressed a laugh as I
jumped up beside him on the couch.

“Say
it. This is the one chance you’ll get to,” I muttered.

“Told
you so-o,” Hego sang. He scratched me behind the ears.

“Get
the pyramid?” I groaned.

“No,
I completely forgot about it when I was trying to stop them from
killing my human body. I need to get Go-go’s certificate of ownership
back from Mischief. Do you know the going rate for a sister is now?”
Hego smirked.

“Ten
bucks, two medium slurpees, and an expired Bueno Nacho coupon. The
twins have been bragging about it all evening,” he reached
behind his back, “You know what you can get for twenty bucks and
a Tootsie Pop?” He pulled it out.

“The
pyramid!” I exclaimed. He laughed.

“I
figured the other villainesses were in on it, so I swung by
Metaphor’s apartment. Simile was very willing to part with it,”
I smothered his face with kisses.

“You…are…my…favorite…brother…today,”
I said between licks. He laughed. Then we heard Mom from the dining
room, “Shego! Get that rubber chicken out of your mouth! You
don’t know where that’s been and it’s annoying the heck out of me!”

&

I
didn’t feel furry. No tail was twitching. No feathers were poking me.
Did Hego and mine fiddling actually work. I opened one eye.
Everything was in color. My alarm was going off next to me and I was
in my room. I sat up and looked at myself.

“I’M
ME AGAIN!” I shouted.

“Shhh,
the twins are trying to sleep!” Hego hissed. He gave a lopsided
grin, “But I’m glad you’re yourself again.”

I
went into the bathroom and stripped down for my shower. That’s when I
saw Tigress’s damage. Across my lower back, in large letters, Tigress
had tatooed the 4-H term for a female dog.

&

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